I had a mini break down yesterday. Not the first since being in Newcastle and I am sure it will not be the last... What brought about this break down? Honestly, I cannot pinpoint exactly what it was. All at once the walls were closing in; my spirit felt mangled; my strength was gone. Organized, tough exterior girl was once again alone in a dark cold place and trying to scratch her way to the surface...
Two things I know about myself: First, when I don't feel I have everything organized as I would like it and I am falling behind (and this is a psychological/mental thing mostly), I become the closet crying girl... This speaks to my constant need to "be in control" of my life. Second, my spiritual life has such an impact on my daily living and my sanity that when there is backlog of "un-spirituality" I crack.
So today my QT reading asked this question, "what do people see as you walk by?"
I know people don't see frazzled, closet crying, walled in Jagila. But regardless of how good I am at hiding it, God knows what's going on inside. Only he can bring order out of my chaos; good out of my evil; peace out of my turmoil. He is all I need... I need to keep in step with Him.
Two things I know about myself: First, when I don't feel I have everything organized as I would like it and I am falling behind (and this is a psychological/mental thing mostly), I become the closet crying girl... This speaks to my constant need to "be in control" of my life. Second, my spiritual life has such an impact on my daily living and my sanity that when there is backlog of "un-spirituality" I crack.So today my QT reading asked this question, "what do people see as you walk by?"
I know people don't see frazzled, closet crying, walled in Jagila. But regardless of how good I am at hiding it, God knows what's going on inside. Only he can bring order out of my chaos; good out of my evil; peace out of my turmoil. He is all I need... I need to keep in step with Him.
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3 comments:
ok...we so need to get a calling schedule worked out here...we have tried in many ways and shapes and it hasnt worked. Sometimes, you just need to reconnect; and I am sure you are...but you are not meant to do this alone and you are not meant to feel lonely either. I know more econ development and you know more health development (W.O.A) and we can keep each each (yes! that was intentional) sane! If you need a closet; let God use me to be your closet - then you can tell me, you can use my "cyber" shoulder, I can be your "cyber" ears and wipe your "cyber" tears...and vice versa! This is probably too emotional for a blog comment...but who cares?! I dont like to see you like this...I love you and I will talk to you SOON!
I guess Pellagia's comment highlights the fact that there are lots of us that care and pray for your success...your not going through this alone. He wouldn't put your in a place without equipping you to be successful. Soon the purpose of hard times, the amazing beauty it does create, will be revealed. Maybe not as soon as we want :)...but all will be well in His time....
...and then H2 had to come in and be all PROFOUND! that's what i meant to say PAST my emotions!
:o)
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