Beautiful inconvenience

I planned to go hiking today. 

Truth is I kind of planned... 

I knew I wanted to hike  and I knew where I want to hike 

Everything in between was a matter of following directions

I had play by play steps. Turn here. This many miles to destination. 

When I got to there, i really wasn’t where I had planned to go

A nice lady at the park office gave me a map showing I was 2 hrs from my initial destination...

So instead I hiked where I was. I took in the scenery. And I found a beautiful alternative to my plans 

As I journey through this place I did not plan to be 

I struggle with the disappointment of being here

But I’m also learning to find beauty in my wilderness 

And to trust that inconvenience too has it’s purpose

Life Itself (just a little further)

It pushes me to the limit 

Sometimes it brings me to my knees  

It is at times unspeakable 

It can be unbearable 

It is unfair 

It is sad

It overwhelms

It makes me distraught 

If offends 

At any moment

Life itself surprises me

It asks me to push just a little harder 

It demands that I get up 

It allows me to cry instead of speak 

It says endure, one more time

It reminds me justice will come

It binds up sorrow with support 

It sometimes is underwhelming

It often requires focus 

It flashes sweetness in little moments

Living, breathing, being...

Life itself means I need to go just a little further 

Someday...

Going through a thing...

So I have been going through a thing for the last year
Actually, in reality, it’s been for the last six years
Its an epic thing
Extremely life altering
The last two years it has hit a climactic point
And the fall through is ongoing...

I don’t talk about it much
First I have become/am not much of a sharer
But more importantly, and this is what I truly believe,
It takes time for a person to feel safe enough to start to share anything with anyone
Sharing means giving away a part of yourself
And you can never get it back
What people do with it is up to them, not you
And that to me is scary...

So here are some thoughts...

It is a privilege to receive a part of someone’s story
Not everyone is worthy
Yes, eventually, word gets out
Controlled or uncontrolled
People, the masses, will know
But the process of getting to full exposure, as with every other process, takes time
And at the end of the day,
It’s not about you, the receiver...
All you can do is wait for the the sharer’s truth to be spoken
Believe their truth or not, that’s your decision
But be responsible with the privilege you have been given
It may never again be repeated...

My first mortality...

We have been warned many times to never write about work on public internet spaces like facebook and blogs. That's why I stopped writing about my tales of Residency. But I realize, I am one who likes to share life with others... my experiences, my failures, even my embarassment. So I will write and try to maintain HIPAA in my tale. I write today about an event that happened over 6months ago but still haunts me. I write the tale of witnessing the last breath a particular human being, a child, took before he met his maker. I write to tell of how poorly we as medical people deal with death and dying. I write with hope that this event will continue to leave its mark on me. He was 10years old and fairly sick. He had other medical problems, part of which complicated his care. There was very little we could have done to save him. It happened so quickly. I remember the nurse telling me she was concerned about his heart rate. I remember he had fever at the same time. I remember when I went to check him he complained his stomach hurt and he was thirsty. His abdomen looked much bigger than it was when myself and my Senior had checked him 3 hours prior. His mother told us then he hadn't passed stool in a few days but she didn't want him to get any help, "let's give him one more day." So I focused on his belly pain and talked with the Senior about getting an xray to be show his piping looked ok. I had the senior come check his abdomen. And then he started to complain that he couldn't breathe but his oxygen saturation was fine and it sounded like he was moving air ok in his lungs. We decided to get a chest xray as well. Just as I was about to step out of the room and order the xray, he took a big gasp of air and then stopped. He stopped everything. We never got him back. There are so many questions I have asked myself over the las few months... Should we have started antibiotics at the first sign of fever? Should we have given him more fluids? Should he not have been on as much pain medicine as he was? Regardless, you can't stop a fat embolism from happening. You can only give supportive care when it does happen. And hope it is not massive enough to cause an abrupt decline in health status. His mother ok'ed the autopsy that confirmed cause of death. It gave us all a little respite. He will be remembered always. And because of him, I am even more diligent with the patients under my care.

A Call for Intercessors

For every mountain...